Link to Life
by No Limit 5
Summary: Rika Itonami, with help from Daffy Duck and Porky Pig, has to "Link" the worlds together before all of existence is wiped out and face the new deadly foes known as the Purifiers and the Soulfuls. Will they save the day? Unlikely, but they'll try anyway! Chapter 3 FINALLY up!
1. First Chain

Thank you for having a look at my story. This is actually my _third_ crack at writing this remake of my first fic, but I really hope it's my last time doing so. For old and new readers alike, please enjoy.

June 14, 2012 Edit: After some much thinking, I have decided to move this story from the _Kingdom Hearts_ section to the Cartoon X-over section. Honestly, this thing is more of a crossover than a true _Kingdom Hearts_ fic. That, and I have a semi-well known reputation in the Cartoon X-over section. Hope you guys like this story!

**Chapter 1: First Chain**

Life in Radiant Garden was not easy for Rika Itonami. With a name like "Radiant Garden", one would assume the place was a rather peaceful and serene setting. But no, it was not. The world always seemed to be attacked or under some sort of threat of disaster or danger. Rika sighed as walked through the bustling stone cobbled streets, lugging four plastic bags of groceries. It was quite frustrating for Rika. Whenever she went out to go shopping, a shadowy being known as a Heartless would sometimes appear out of nowhere and attempt to take her heart. It had gotten to the point where she had to carry around a weapon to properly defend herself. Speaking of which, people were staring at the long iron chain wrapped around her shoulder. She shrugged it off. It happened enough that she grew used to it, with the occasion explanation. Luckily for her, the Heartless were no longer the massive threat they once were. Years ago Heartless used to swarm en masse all through the various worlds in the universe, stealing the hearts of their habitants. Not actually their still-beating hearts, mind you. Rather, hearts that were one of the three parts that comprised the making of a living being. The other two components were the body and soul. It was rather vague as to what was so special about them, Rika thought; but they apparently were the embodiment of a person's emotions and desires. The Heartless themselves were corrupted hearts that fell into dark inhibitions, taking on an entirely new state of being with various forms that resembled creatures one would find in a Japanese role-playing game. Their only goal: Living off its instinct of corrupting more hearts.

However, the Heartless have long since diminished in threat level after the resurfacing of the Keyblade wielders. Despite their rather ridiculous name, Keyblades were legendary weapons that only the chosen few were allowed to hold; being the only weapons that were capable of destroying Heartless permanently and releasing the hearts they have stolen. It all began when the young boy Sora No-Last-Name-Given first received his Keyblade during the destruction of his home world. Sora, along with his companions and friends, fought through many battles and obstacles before finally ridding the worlds of the one responsible for the creation of the Heartless: Xehanort. Sora was knighted, and a statue was even erected in his honor with a golden nameplate displaying his name and the title "Hero of the Worlds".

Rika snorted. That name _still_ sounded ridiculous. Rika rested against the base of that statue, dropping her bags and crossing her arms. Sora though, realizing that the dangers of darkness can never truly be wiped out, cofounded the Keyblade Academy: A self-explanatory school dedicated to training the future Keyblade wielders in the battle against darkness. Sora did not have much of an imagination when it came to names. The Academy was situated on Radiant Garden, the world that Sora always considered a second home for himself; and was the Garden's pride and joy, next to its famous castle, Hollow Bastion. Rika glanced up the huge flight of stairs behind Sora's statue that lead up to the school, a colossal building that resembled a domed Roman temple with its towering marble pillars. Despite being the cofounders, Sora and his friends and compatriots very rarely resided in the Academy. They were always off exploring for more worlds and possible new threats. Rather negligent, Rika personally thought. The Academy was, instead, tended to by lost Keyblade Masters that Sora encountered in his later exploits.

Not that it mattered much to Rika. She was only there waiting for her two Keyblade apprentice friends. The sound of the dismissal bell rang; and, almost instantaneously, the student body exited the school like a flood of confused pubescent hormones. Rika smiled and waved to two of them, Kai Higure and Ashi Kiyomeru. A massive grin developed on Kai's face as he spotted her. He was taller than the other two, and had short dark hair that had a bluish shine to it that was covered by a backwards blue baseball cap with a red "N" insignia on the front. He dressed in a red sleeveless shirt with two breast pockets and gold trimming, black sneakers, and a pair of white cargo pants that seemed a bit too large for him.

Ashi looked positively energized as he waved back to Rika vigorously. He was the shortest of the trio, and had golden blonde hair that arced over his forehead. Ashi dressed in black denims and a more traditional, yet loosely hung and unbutton at the top, silver dress shirt with its sleeves pushed up. Underneath were a black t-shirt and a golden necklace chain.

Rika herself had auburn hair that she had tied up in a ponytail with a blue ribbon, while leaving bangs hang over her eyes a little. She dressed in a white t-shirt with blue short sleeves and a hood, and a pair of blue jeans. What could she say; she liked the color blue and keeping things simple. "How were classes?" Rika asked.

"I believe the proper term is 'torture sessions'," Kai said, blowing a raspberry upon approach.

"He's just upset that he failed Agility," Ashi said with a smirk as he threw his arm around Rika's shoulders. "You should've seen it, Rika. He just had to do a simple dodge roll, but ended up crashing into the bleachers – and they were _behind_ him!"

"They know I'm more of a magic guy, so why do I even have to take the stupid class?" Kai said, snatching off his hat and began twisting it irritably. "It's bias, I tell you. Bias! Just because you can swing your Keyblade harder or faster than others and magic use aside from healing is near nonexistent doesn't mean it's the only thing that matters!

"Oh, suck it up, you big baby," Rika said. She held up her grocery bags up to their faces. "So are you going to help a lady carry her bags, or do I have to dope slap the two of you?"

"You're a lady?" Ashi deadpanned.

_SLAP!_

"Dude!" Ashi rubbed the back of his head, glaring in disbelief. "What the hell?"

Kai mumbled, "No reason."

* * *

As per their routine, Rika, Kai and Ashi entered the local Quick Stop convenience store. "I can't believe my friend has betrayed me on such a level," one of the two clerks behind the counter said to his co-worker. "Never before in my life have I ever been so offensively slighted in such a manner."

"Randal, I just think _Attack of the Clones_ wasn't that bad," the other said.

"Blasphemy!" Randal screamed, throwing his hands up in the air. "All the Prequel movies suck, and you know it! Repent, Dante Hicks! Repent!" Dante slapped his hand over his eyes. "And now you're pulling the Picard maneuver? You're dead to me."

Dante groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose, as Ashi moved toward the register and set down a soda bottle. "That'll be a dollar-eighty-five," Dante droned.

"A dollar-eighty-five? Are you kidding me?" Ashi said. "That's outrageous! What happened to the days of a dollar a pop?"

"Hey, I don't choose the prices, kid," Dante said lifelessly, as Randal pulled out a magazine with a cover of a woman revealing quite bit of skin out of his pocket and proceeded "reading" it.

"I wish to speak to the manager!"

"Calm down, man!" Dante said, holding his hands up defensively. "It's just an extra eight-five cents; it's not that big a deal!"

"Yeah, so just pony-up the dough or beat it," Randal added, poking Ashi in the nose with his rolled up magazine.

Ashi reached down into his pocket, produced the amount in coins, and tossed it on the table bitterly. "I'll have this establishment torn down, brick-by-brick!"

"Yeah, I'd like to see you try it, blonde-y!" Randal sneered.

Rika grabbed Ashi by the ear and tugged him roughly out the store; Kai followed closely behind. "Must you always cause a commotion wherever we go?"

"It's a sense of pride, Rika!" Ashi declared in as noble a tone he could muster. She merely tugged harder. "Ow! Ow! Ow!"

"Same time tomorrow, guys?" Kai asked as he slurped from his frozen blue-berry drink.

"We do hope you enjoyed your shopping experience here at the Quick Stop," Randal said with surprising competence and decor, before unfolding the three page spread from his magazine and grinning perversely.

"We get all the weirdoes, don't we?" Dante sighed.

"I wouldn't say that," Randal said, reclining in his chair.

Suddenly, the Quick Stop's door was kicked open. "What up, Clerks!" a tall, blonde delinquent wearing a black tuque shouted. He pumped his fist in the air, running in and knocking over a snack stand without a care. His stout, silent partner in crime stepped in after him, shaking his head.

"I wasn't even supposed to be here today…" Dante lamented, burying his face in his hands.

* * *

As the trio continued along their trek home, Ashi was attempting to convince the others of an idea of his. "And don't forget how it'd deal with any infestations we might have," Ashi said. "It'd be able to alert us to where they're coming from and we can prevent any future Heartless attacks…"

"For the last time, Ashi, we're not getting a lethal laser-grid computer security system," Rika said, resisting the urge to slap duct tape over his mouth.

Ashi, looking defeated, pushed his index fingers together haplessly. "It was just a thought."

"We wouldn't even _have_ a Heartless problem if it wasn't for you two being Keybladers," Rika muttered.

Kai and Ashi exchanged glances, and turned to study Rika's moody expression. "Um, are you all right, Rika?" Kai asked.

"Sure I am," she said, forcing a convincing smile. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, you seem a bit…"

"You look depressed," Ashi finished.

"What? Who? Me? Perish the thought!" Rika laughed awkwardly and waved her hand dismissively. "I'm fine! Peachy-keen! Never better! I feel like a million munny!" Kai and Ashi each raised an eyebrow. Rika smile shrunk slightly. "Okay, maybe I'm a little annoyed," she said, avoiding their stares.

"Is it that you hate that our Keyblades give you trouble?" Kai asked.

"Are you kidding me?" she said. "Of course not; I think it's really cool that you two are Keyblade wielders. Never think otherwise."

"Is it because you're jealous that you're not one yourself?" Ashi asked, leaning far too close to Rika for her comfort with an arrogant smirk.

Rika snorted, and pushed him away by the forehead with her index finger. "Dream on, buddy. Nah, it's none of that. I just…kind of feel left out." She sighed heavily and stopped walking. "You two get to be part of this grand and prestigious school, while I'm left at home alone doing housework. It's not that I even want to be a Keyblade wielder. Before you two were chosen as Keyblade trainees, we used to be together twenty-four-seven. But now we barely have time to see each other, what with your classes and random emergency training sessions."

The boys frowned, looking unsure as to what to say. Rika sighed again and started laughing. "Would you listen to me? I sound like a mother to you two!" She punched Kai and Ashi's shoulders. "Seriously though, don't sweat it. I'm fine. I really am happy for the two of you." Rika smiled brightly. She swiped the grocery bags from the two and sped off down the street. "Come on! We've got dinner to prepare."

Ashi scratched the back of his head uncomfortably as Kai frowned. "Rika…"

Before the two could think another thought, Rika dropped her bags. "Heartless!"

"Heartless?" Kai gasped.

"What you two just said!" Ashi shouted.

The boys rushed before Rika, a long, bright flash of light emerging out of their hands. Once the lights faded, a Keyblade resided in Kai and Ashi's hands. Ashi's was a dark red color, with a silver hilt and black guard. Its blade was relatively short, but very sharp, with its key's teeth resembling daggers. Its black keychain was also short, extending from the hilt, and ended with its token being twin blades crossed over a shield. Kai's Keyblade had a yellowish blade, with a purple hilt and white guard. Unlike Ashi's, Kai's blade was far more jagged and crooked, and its teeth more ovular. Its keychain token was that of a black top hat with a magic wand over it.

The two boys raised their weapons toward the Heartless. Rika had never seen a type of Heartless like this one before. It looked like one of those velociraptor dinosaurs that she saw in a film once, but was entirely bleached with dark stripes and barely taller than their chest height. Its eyes were an electrifying blue, darting around erratically as it inspected its three preys. Something felt incredibly off about it for her. Heartless were already off-putting as it were, but this one was different. She felt as if her very _soul_ was being yanked out of her.

"Keep back, Rika," Kai said, assuming his battle stance of raising his Keyblade over his head as if about to cast a spell.

"No need to tell me twice." The Heartless remained where it was, staring at the three as if it was curious. After a few breathless seconds, it opened its mouth and a ghastly shriek erupted from it. Rika, Kai and Ashi threw their hands over their ears, almost dropping to the ground from agony. It was as if a thousand glass shards were being dragged across a chalkboard. Rika thought her ears were going to explode. "Kill it already!" she screamed.

Ashi struggled to his feet and charged with his weapon underhand. He swung his Keyblade for the beast, but it ducked and quickly head-butted Ashi in his midsection, knocking the wind out of him. "No!" Kai shouted. He stabbed his Keyblade forward. "FIRE!" Flames emerged from the end of his weapon, and exploded toward the Heartless in a ball of fire. The Heartless spun around and whipped its tail at the fire magic, batting it back toward Kai. Caught off guard, he was unable to react in time to knock it aside; and Rika was still behind him. Kai formed a guard position with his Keyblade, and blocked the fireball from getting near Rika.

"Kai!" she gasped, ember rushing all around her. Once the flames finally subsided, Kai had taken the bulk of the power from his own fire magic.

He chuckled weakly. "Guess I should've dodged."

"No!" Rika caught Kai as he collapsed. "Wake up, you," she growled, shaking him by his shirt. She glanced toward Ashi; the Heartless was drawing near his hurt body. Ashi attempted to raise his Keyblade again; but the Heartless grabbed it with its teeth, tugged it out of his hand, and tossed it aside with a clatter. "Get away from him!" Rika shouted, unraveling her iron chain and swung it like a lasso at the Heartless. It wrapped around its snout and Rika tugged hard, snapping its jaw shut. She smirked. "Woo, get along, little doggie!"

However, the Heartless proved stronger than she anticipated as it jerked its head back, pulling Rika off her feet. Rika grunted as she landed on the ground, refusing to let go of her chain. "Rika, get out of here," Ashi shouted as he dragged himself to his Keyblade. "You can't fight that thing off with just that!"

"No way," she said, tightening her grip. "I'm not leaving you guys alone with this thing while you're hurt." Unfortunately for her, the Heartless had other plans. It whipped its head, creating a jolt in the chain that knocked Rika in the chin and caused her to finally release the chain. The Heartless used its clawed feet to remove the chain and sprinted for her.

"Rika!" Ashi shouted.

Rika quickly snatched up her chain once more and held it up before her. The Heartless' jaws crashed into it, driving Rika across the ground while on her back. She was barely able to keep the beast at bay. Her strength was failing her and the Heartless was soon going to tear her apart. But she was not thinking of that. Her thoughts drifted back to Kai and Ashi, their sometimes goofy antics, the silly chats they had, and the three of them together way back when.

_Looks like we won__'__t be together again,_ she thought. A small smile formed on her face and she closed her eyes. A tear dripped from each eye. _It was good while it lasted._

Her tears fell down upon the chain – and a blinding light exploded from it, forcing everyone around the area to shield their eyes. Ashi lowered his arms as the light vanished, and could only gape in awe. "Good King Mickey."

Rika opened her eyes, a Keyblade in her hands and between the Heartless' jaws. Its blue blade was more curved than Ashi's, but not as crooked as Kai's; and its teeth were also curved but split in the middle. Its hilt was brown and the guard green. Its keychain was far longer than necessary, about as long as Rika was tall, and it ended with its token being a blue pair of wings.

A thought drifted through her mind: _Life__'__s Bend_. "I suppose I should take that as your name?" she asked her Keyblade, barely addressing the ferocious monster mere inches from her. "Kind of lame, but I'll get over it." She smiled at the Heartless. "Oh, wait. Sorry. How rude of me. Let me give you the proper attention you deserve."

Rika kicked her keychain upward, caught it, and jabbed it into the Heartless' left eye. It cried out in pain, releasing the Keyblade, and staggered backwards. Rika stomped on her keychain, and began spinning her Keyblade around with her hand. The Heartless' one good eye followed it, trying to keep track of it, but the Keyblade was moving too fast as Rika began alternating hands with her weapon and juggling it. Finally, she tossed her still spinning Keyblade at the Heartless. It passed by the Heartless and spun back toward Rika, who caught it by its handle. For a moment, it seemed as if she had missed, but the dinosaur-like monster's severed head finally dropped off from the rest of its body and the Heartless dissipated into nothingness. Rika had expected a pinkish glowing heart to emerge and disappear back where it came from; but, instead, a silvery ball of a misty substance floated from where the Heartless once was and vanished just as it came.

Pushing it to the back of mind for the moment, Rika helped Ashi to his feet. He was unable to take his eyes away from the weapon in Rika's hand. He opened his mouth to speak but words wouldn't form. "Later," she said. "We've got to get help." Rika rushed toward Kai, inspecting his injuries. Ashi nodded and quickly fished out a cell phone from his pocket. "Why didn't you use that earlier?" Rika asked as she lifted Kai's arm over her shoulders.

Ashi thought briefly, looked to the ground, then at Rika, and finally up to the sky. "Plot makes you stupid," he said ultimately.

**End of Chapter 1**

All right, I hope that was a decent first chapter. Beginnings and endings truly are the hardest parts to write. Also, I will be listing all new characters that appear at the bottom of chapters so I may avoid people asking me who these guys are. Here's this chapter's!

Rika Itonami, Kai Higure & Ashi Kiyomeru are all characters I created; and, therefore, belong to me.

Dante Hicks, Randal Graves, and Jay and Silent Bob are from _Clerks_.


	2. Mars Wars

**Chapter 2: Mars Wars**

_In a galaxy far, far away…_

_A lone, grand, and phallic-looking spacecraft cruised through the vast emptiness of space. Its captain's name was known throughout the Alpha Quadrant. Allies spoke of it in admiration. Women swooned once they heard it. And villains everywhere wept tears and sucked their thumbs like little crybabies should they even _think _of him. He was a man among men, a mighty warrior second to none. His incredible physique was as if it was sculpted by the Gods themselves. His dashing good looks were even said to completely blind any lesser man – which was all._

_This man was no man, however. This man – was a duck. His name was Dodgers. Duck Dodgers of the Twenty-Fourth and a Half Century!_

_Dodgers sat in his captain's chair, his eyes on the lookout for any possible intergalactic criminals that may have been lurking within the vicinity. "Cadet," the unbelievably handsome captain intoned in his incredibly sexy baritone voice, "what is the situation going on with Mars?"_

_Dodgers' eager, young space-pig cadet grinned stupidly and saluted, tongue poking out. "Duh, the M-M-Martians seem to be b-building a d-death laser, you studly m-man, you…"_

_Dodgers slammed his fist on the rest of his seat. "Blast! Those Martians have gone too far this time! Cadet, set a course for the Martians' Martian home planet, Mars! And never mind the redundancy of that sentence!"_

_Dodgers' Cadet saluted yet again, grunting, "Duh, a-a-aye-aye, captain!"_

_Meanwhile, on the Martian home planet of the Martians called Mars, a midget in a green ballet tutu and football helmet that in no way resembled a Spartan one marched down the long corridor to the Martian Queen's throne. The midget saluted. "Commander X-2, Marvin the Martian, reporting in, Your Majesty," he said in a voice that screamed "nerd"._

"_Are the preparations for the Martian Death Ray completed, Commander?" the impossibly beautiful, scantily-Egyptian-dressed Martian Queen Tyr'ahnee asked._

"_Yes, Your Majesty. After two-thousand years of work, the Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space Modular has been completed and we are ready for the destruction of the Earth."_

"_Excellent," Queen Tyr'ahnee said, laughing darkly. "Now that pesky planet will no longer obscure our view of Venus. Incredibly petty of us, but who cares? We're Martians. Logic no longer applies!"_

"_However, I do bring some rather bad news," Marvin added._

"_Ooh, I hate bad news," the Queen said with a groan. "Can't you deliver it in a good way?"_

"_Um…okay?" Marvin coughed, and began chuckling. "Hey, you know that guy we really don't like, Duck Dodgers? Well, get this! You (snort) really won't (giggle) believe it. He (Ha!) – he's heading for our planet and…wait for it: planning on destroying our Death Ray! Can you believe it?" The Martian Commander had broken out in a fit of hysterical laughter by then._

"_What is wrong with you? That's terrible news!" Queen Tyr'ahnee screamed, causing Marvin to flinch. "Prepare the Martian battleships! If that extraordinarily sexy duck wants a fight, he'll get a war!"_

_Dodgers' spacecraft slowly made its approach for the Martian home planet. "Duh, pro-pro-proceeding without a h-h-hitch, sir," the Cadet said with a dumb grin._

_Dodgers frowned as he pumped a pair of dumbbells to bulk up his huge muscles – not that he needed to. "This seems all a little easy. _Too_ easy." Dodgers peered over the Cadet's control panel. "Uh, Cadet? What do those red dots usually signify?"_

"_Duh, oh. R-r-red dots a-a-are enemy s-ships," the Cadet replied cheerfully._

_Dodgers nodded. "Uh-huh. And what does this one blue dot all those red dots are approaching represent?"_

"_Duh, that w-w-would be our o-own ship, sir."_

"_Right, right. Say, uh, Cadet? Did you not think that was something important to report?"_

_Dodgers' Cadet pondered for a few seconds. "Duh, I guess?"_

"_ACTIVATE ALL WEAPONS AND LOCK ON TO ENEMY SHIPS!" Dodgers bellowed. _

_The Cadet yelped and quickly began typing on his controls. Dodgers' ship sprouted their entire arsenal of weapons, ranging from photon torpedoes that could wipe out an entire planet's continent to peanut popguns. The Martian ships finally came into sight on the view screen, all a deathly-looking green with nasty red windowpanes that resembled demonic eyes. "Duh, captain?" the Cadet said, his voice growing higher until he started sounding like a little girl. "Th-th-they greatly out-out-outnumber us t-t-twenty-thousand to o-one. Duh, we-we-we're screwed!"_

_Dodgers inhaled deeply through his nose, and smirked. "It's a good day to die."_

"_Aw, I j-j-just wanted to st-st-study space rocks!" the Cadet cried._

"_Fire everything!" Dodgers commanded._

_Dodgers' ship unleashed its fury; a flurry of missiles and lasers and other sci-fi nonsense weapons rained upon the Martian ships, annihilating a large number of the enemy's fleet. "Duh, two-th-thirds of the e-e-enemy ships re-re-remain, Captain," the Cadet said._

"_Keep on firing!" Dodgers shouted._

"_Duh, our a-a-ammo has c-completely depleted!" the Cadet gasped. "We're doomed!"_

"_Not on my watch!" Dodgers said, and thrust his fist forward. "Initiate tactic One-Nine-Five-Two: The Drill That Will Pierce the Heavens!"_

"_Duh, of c-c-course!" the Cadet said, slapping his forehead. "How c-c-could I have po-po-possibly be-be-been so st-st-stupid?"_

"_And that's why I'm captain and you're the eager, young space cadet." Dodgers' ship's thrusters were thrown into overdrive, propelling the ship beyond the space-speed limit. "Steady now," Dodgers whispered; the ship gaining speed as they closed the distance between them and the Martians' ships._

"_Duh, n-now?"_

"_No, we have to time this just right…" Dodgers said, narrowing his eyes. Sweat built around his brows and the air growing thick with tension. With the ship no more than a mere hundred miles away, Dodgers shouted, "NOW!"_

_The ship's thrusters shifted positions, one pointed upward and one in the other direction. The ship's initial inertia continued carrying it forward while the thrusters began causing the ship to spin. The thrusters only continued to increase speed, and the ship had become an awesome drill of devastation. The Martian ships did not have enough time to pull away from Dodgers' oncoming path of destruction, and were completely torn apart by Dodgers' ship as it passed through the remaining fleet._

"_I knew that increase in the hull's density would come in handy one day," Dodgers declared, grinning triumphantly._

"_Duh, c-c-captain, I th-th-think I l-love you," the Cadet said in pure admiration._

"_Sorry, Cadet, but I don't swing that way."_

"_Duh, in-in-incoming hail from the Ma-Ma-Martian royal palace," the Cadet said. "Should I p-p-patch?"_

"_Make it so, Cadet." Dodgers nodded._

_The view screen flickered and the image of the Martian Queen replaced the view of the enemy wreckage. "Duck Dodgers," she whispered in a reverential tone._

"_Queen Tyr'ahnee," Dodgers greeted. "To what do I owe the honor of your presence?"_

"_Nonsense. Your presence is as if standing before a God. It is through sheer improbability that I ever had a miniscule of a chance to speak with a perfect creature such as yourself."_

"_If you say so," Dodgers said indifferently._

"_I have called to inform you of our complete surrender to the Earth," she said. "We were complete fools in believing we could possibility stand up to their greatest hero, Duck Dodgers."_

"_Well, just as long as you are aware."_

"_Not only that, but I wish to request a peace treaty with Earth by marrying you," Queen Tyr'ahnee said. "I have completely fallen in love with you and wish to bear your children."_

"_Oh-ho, your majesty," Dodgers said bashfully. "I accept."_

_Martian Commander Marvin popped on screen. "Please, sir, could I possibly have your autograph? It has been my lifelong dream to see you in person!"_

"_Sure, my little freak-of-nature fan!"_

_Duck Dodgers got onto his feet, looking ever so grand doing so. "Today, Earth and Mars have achieved tranquility thanks to my continued efforts. However, I am but a humble hero of both planets and desire not gifts, money, or women. Though I'll gladly accept them, let it be known that I only do so out of defending all that is truth. Justice. And the Duck Dodgers' way! I can only hope that all those in the universe will follow such perfect ideals as mine."_

_The Cadet, Queen Tyr'ahnee and Marvin all began cheering wildly and sang praises for their greatest hero as Duck Dodgers stood proud with his muscular chest out, a light bursting out behind him and festive fireworks firing into the air and exploding to spell out his own name –_

"ENOUGH!"

In a Hollywood boardroom meeting, the CEO of Warner Bros. slammed his hands upon the table. Daffy gulped as he lowered the screenplay in his hands. "Are you kidding me with this?" the CEO asked.

"Uh, no. Not really," the little black duck said. "With the sudden influx of interest in sci-fi action movies, I thought what better way to match them than with a revival of one of our best shorts ever?" Daffy sprung up on the board table and thrust an index finger into the air. "Duck Dodgers of the Twenty-Fourth and a Half Century!" he shouted, spreading spittle all over the polished table and into the CEO's coffee cup from his lisp.

The CEO did not look impressed. "You honestly expect us to make a movie based around you after our last two attempts at theatrical _Looney Tune_ films were massive box office and critical failures?"

"Hey, that was not my fault!" Daffy protested. "The reason they failed was upon the insistence of making them live-action, cashing in on the Roger Rabbit effect that was deemed the 'in' thing then. But I'm sure an all-animated film, based on _me_ of course, will be a surefire winner!" He nudged the snoring Porky Pig sitting by the side, awaking him. "Ain't that right, pork-ster?"

"Huh, wh-wh-what? I'll-ll-ll have a donu-donu-donu…gazed," Porky said, eyes blinking irritably.

"A Duck Dodgers movie would work, right?" Daffy asked again, annoyed.

"Uh…y-y-yeah, sure." Porky nodded.

"Let's face it, you two," the CEO said. "_Looney Tunes_ is dead. We've moved on to bigger and better things. Bugs realized that and left the studio a long time ago."

"But this can work!" Daffy said, grabbing the CEO by his dress suit. "Ooh, nylon. Very nice. Just give us, and by that I mean ME, a chance!"

"Sorry, Duck," he said, picking Daffy up and setting him down on the floor. "We can't afford another disaster. Why don't get back to teaching that animation class? The cartoons of the future can learn a lot from a seasoned professional such as yourself…" He snorted. "No. No. I can't say that with a straight face. I've got another meeting to get to. You know two know your way out, right?" With that, the CEO exited the boardroom, leaving a sulking Daffy and Porky alone.

"ARGHBLUGUGH!" Daffy screamed, tearing black feathers out of his skull. "I was sure we had him this time!"

"S-s-sure we did," Porky said as he pat Daffy's back sympathetically.

Daffy calmed and sighed. "I miss the spotlight, Ham-let. We used to be stars! And where are we now?"

"T-t-things ch-ch-change," Porky said with a shrug, grabbing a jacket from the coat rack. "Th-th-things weren't the s-s-same after Bugs lef-lef-lef – vamoosed."

"Bah, we were better off without that deserting hare!" Daffy said with a snarl. "Unlike him, I happily took up the reigns of leadership!"

"Y-y-yeah, and look where we are n-n-now," Porky pointed out. Daffy winced. "It's n-n-not just Bu-Bugs either. We old-ti-ti-timers just coul-coul-coul – were unable to match up with the ch-ch-changing t-t-times."

"Oh, yeah. And that no-personality mouse, intelligible duck, and dope of a dog seem pretty well off," Daffy grumbled. Suddenly, inspiration struck. A large smirk grew on his face as little red devil horns sprouted on his head. He snickered deviously. "Say…Porky? You know where the warehouse of the studio's props is?"

Porky raised an eyebrow. "Y-yeah?"

"Think they still have the ship from the _Duck Dodgers_ show?"

* * *

"Th-th-this is a bad id-id-idea, Daffy," Porky said nervously as the two hid in the shadows next to the prop warehouse.

"I'm not going to sit around teaching some newbies whom only want to make fart jokes for the rest of my life," Daffy said with unusual determination. He peeked around the corner. "Okay, the coast's clear." The two dashed with the speed of a true toon, leaving behind dust in the shape of them, into the warehouse. "Phew. That was easy. I was sure they'd have some sort of guard or something…"

"Yeah, you'd think the studio lot would have better security, huh?" a strange creature wearing brown slacks said, throwing his arm around Daffy's shoulders.

"Must be cutbacks." Daffy nodded.

Porky's eyes drooped and turned to see two of the same anthropomorphic creatures standing next to him. "G-g-give it a mo-moment."

Daffy's eyes bugged, leaping into the air. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"Because we can," the cute female one with a pink skirt and flower in her ears said.

"Yakko!" the first shouted.

"Wakko!" the other male in a blue shirt and red baseball cap added.

"And cute! But call me Dot," the little female said with a smile.

"Oh. Great. The Warners." Daffy slapped his forehead. "Our plan just went down the toilet."

"What plan?" the trio asked, leaping into his arms.

"Uh, no plan! We weren't planning anything. And go away!" He dropped the three unceremoniously and marched away with Porky trailing him.

"You guys plannin' on making a breakout?" Yakko asked, poking his head an inch away from Daffy's bill.

Daffy gently pushed the Warner out of his personal space, and answered with a sigh, "Yes."

"Great! We'll join you." Yakko, Wakko and Dot grinned widely, showing off all their pearly whites.

"And what makes you think we'll let you?" he asked monotonously.

Wakko reached behind his back and pulled out a small brown paper bag with the words "Gag Bag" written in crayon on it. He dug deep into the bag; all sorts of noises coming from it: Broken dishes, zipping of springs, crackling flames and all sorts of African jungle sounds. Finally, Wakko held up a simple key ring with a single key hanging from it. "Might need this to fly that ship of yours," he said with little smirk.

Porky snatched the key out of his hands. "Y-y-you're in."

Daffy held a feathery hand over his eyes. "Now keep a lookout for the ship," he said, observing the warehouse. "It's large, but there's junk everywhere…"

"Uh, D-D-Daffy?" Porky deadpanned. He pointed directly opposite of the warehouse's doors, where the _S.S. Dodgers_ stood splendidly. Complete with launch bay.

"I knew I'd find it!" Daffy declared.

The five boarded the spacecraft, familiarizing themselves with the instruments. Daffy tossed a trombone out of his captain's chair and sat down. "Ah…it still has my formation," he said with a delighted sigh.

"W-w-wonderful," Porky said as he sat on his tiny cadet's seat. He swiped his hand over the control panel, warming the engines. "Preparing for launch."

"Ooh, I'll have a liverwurst sandwich with mayo," Wakko said.

"DAH, HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING OTHER THERE?"

Daffy peered out the ship's window. Ralph, the studio's security guard, was standing by the open warehouse's doors, pointing a flashlight in their direction. "Can the countdown, Senior Swine. We've got company."

"Dah, we've got trouble down in the prop warehouse," Ralph said into his walkie-talkie.

"Engines are prepped," Porky stated as several more security guards arrived, screaming for them to cease and desist.

"Launch!" Daffy shouted, slamming his webbed foot into the gas pedal. The engines ignited and blasted – the _S.S. Dodgers_ sank backward into the ground. Porky, the Warners, and even the security guards gaped in pure bewilderment at the sight. "Whoops," Daffy giggled in embarrassment. "Had the silly thing in reverse." He made a quick shift in gears. "Ahem. Launch!"

The _S.S. Dodgers_ shot out of the ground, out the warehouse, and right out the atmosphere; setting all the other props aflame and the security guards charred black, but otherwise unharmed. The Warners' clung tightly to their armrests as the g-forces slammed them deep into the cushions of their chairs, their lips flapping open – at least, they imitated the act, as Daffy and Porky were perfectly fine and stared at the three with half-open eyes.

"Well, that came off without a hitch," Daffy declared cheerfully, dusting off his clean hands. A smile formed on his face; not one of deception, but of determination. "Look out, universe. Here I come!"

"In-incoming asteroid," Porky deadpanned.

"Yipe!" Daffy ducked under his captain's chair. "I wanna go home!"

**End of Chapter 2**

If you don't know who these characters are, you had no childhood. Just in case:

Daffy Duck and Porky Pig are from _Looney Tunes_.

Yakko, Wakko and Dot Warner are from _Animaniacs_.

Oh, and if you're why the "Dodgers" appeared so often at the beginning of lines, well. Think about who wrote it.


	3. Fukkireta

**Chapter 3: Fukkireta**

Edward Elric considered himself a pretty nice guy. He worked hard, cared for his younger brother, and even assisted the downtrodden. Yep, Ed was about the closest thing to being a collected fellow that you could find. If you looked up the word "cool" in the dictionary, you would find a picture of his blonde, little head next to –

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING THE TINIEST ANT IN THE COLONY?-!"

"Brother, who are you talking to?" Alphonse asked.

Edward froze, mid-fist pump. He glanced around at the people around the restaurant that were staring at him, then at his suit of armor for a younger brother. He coughed into his gloved hand, and turned back to his lunch on the table. "N-No one. Just a reflex."

Alphonse scratched the back of his head. "If you say so."

"Bah, I'm just a little on edge from yesterday," Edward said as he prodded his chicken salad with a fork. He had been so sure that joining the State Military would have gotten them closer to their goal, but it only seemed have lead to them farther away. Edward pushed his plate aside in frustration and stood. "I'm full; let's get out of here." Alphonse nodded and rose, but his head accidentally bumped into a tall shelf, causing an old radio tip over and fall from it and smash into pieces on the floor.

"Oy!" the restaurant's owner shouted. "If you insist on wearing that suit of armor like that, that's your problem, but you better be able to be able to pay for that!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," Alphonse said. "Don't worry. I can fix it up for you."

"And the hell do you plan on doing that?" the owner grumbled. "I doubt any repair shops can fix an old radio like that one."

Edward smirked. "Just settle down and watch, old guy."

Alphonse pulled a piece of chalk from within his armor and drew an intricate, circular symbol around the broken radio; the rest of the restaurant watched with interest as he worked. "What's he drawing?" the owner asked Edward.

"That's a transmutation circle," he answered simply.

Alphonse finished his circle and nodded. "All right. Here I go." He stood up and crossed his hands together above the broken radio. A flash of light and electricity surged from circle around the radio. The radio is struck and smoke out of nowhere blinded everyone. As it cleared, the radio had miraculously been repaired and played the music it had been playing previously.

"What kind of magic is this?" the owner said, dumbfounded by Alphonse's act.

"Feh, that wasn't magic," Edward said. "That's alchemy."

"We're alchemists," Alphonse explained. "We use science to understand the structure of matter and natural energy to manipulate and alter matter."

"Well, it's a little more complicated than that, but that's the general gist of it," Edward said. "I'm sure you're familiar with the duo of the Elric brothers, right? Or at least the title Fullmetal Alchemist? I mean, we _are_ pretty famous…"

The restaurant guests brushed past Edward, leaving him in the dust, and rushed around Alphonse.

"Oh, so you're the Fullmetal Alchemist?"

"We've heard so much about you and your accomplishments!"

"The youngest State Alchemist in the history of Amestris!"

"The prodigal alchemist!"

"So you're named Fullmetal because of that suit you wear?"

Alphonse waved his hands humbly. "No, no. You've got it all wrong. The Fullmetal Alchemist is my brother over there." Edward grinned smugly as the restaurant patrons turned their heads back toward him. Here came the praise…

"You mean that short guy over there in red?"

_Snap._

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PIXEL ON A COMPUTER SCREEN?-!" Edward screamed as he grabbed two full-grown men and began tossing them through walls made of solid rock.

"What's a computer?" Alphonse muttered.

* * *

After being tossed out of the restaurant, the Elric brothers slumped through the streets of the colossal Central City, the bustling capital of the country of Amestris and home to the main headquarters of the State Military, which Edward was a part of. "I really wish you didn't always fly off on a handle like that, Brother," Alphonse said.

Edward didn't respond; he was lost in thought. It is said that humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, they had really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth. However, like any good alchemist worth his craft, he and his brother sought to create legendary Philosopher's Stone. The Red Stone, the Fifth Element, the Great Elixir. Etcetera, etcetera. The Philosopher's Stone is believed to be able to bypass the law of Equivalent Exchange and allow alchemists to perform far more powerful transmutations beyond their original abilities. It seemed like it was the answer to all their problems and would have been able to allow them to finally achieve their goal, but after their discovery regarding the Stone from the day before…

"Brother."

Edward turned his head to Alphonse, and frowned slightly. It only reminded him more of what they sought. "Sorry, Al. I'm just thinking about all that we've learned about alchemy and what it meant."

Alphonse's armor creaked as he recalled their teachings. "Alchemy is the knowledge, analysis, and recreation of the laws and currents that exists within substances."

Edward nodded. "Yeah. The world revolves around these laws, as well as people in it. I thought I had understood what they meant back when mom died, but I didn't. And now…" He clenched his right hand into a fist and glared at it. "I'm an idiot. I don't know anything."

"Brother, we mustn't give up!" Alphonse said firmly. "Despite what we have learned and despite how hopeless it is to achieve, I want our bodies to be returned to the way they were. After all we've been through…I'm not ready to give up so easily just because of what we've discovered! I want my body back." He slapped a hand over his torso, creating a metallic echo within his empty armored body. "To be a human being again."

Edward mentally slapped himself. He was being selfish, wallowing in his own self-pity. Alphonse was as much involved in this as much as he was. "You're right, Al. We can't give up, not when our bodies are still like this. We'll find a way; some way, somehow. We will." The two brothers clasped hands and made a silent vow to continue searching for the answer.

After a momentary pause, Alphonse asked, "So, what now?"

"Beat the hell out of me," Edward said as he entered a thinking pose by closing his eyes and placing a hand on his chin. "I have no clue where to go from here. There wasn't much else in Dr. Marcoh's notes. We've discovered the truth on the Stone, and…" His eyes snapped open. "That's it!"

Edward entered a mad dash. Alphonse, briefly caught off guard, chased after him. "Where are you going, Brother?"

"Where any good alchemist would go for information," Edward answered. "The LIBRARY! I've got some landmark maps to thumb through…"

* * *

It felt like years had passed for Rika as she was formally admitted into the Keyblade Academy. She couldn't believe how long admissions took for a school like this. Honestly, one would think that simply flashing her Keyblade would be enough. Regardless, Rika could not have been happier. She was finally able to be together with Kai and Ashi more, like the old days. She didn't even care what she took, purposely scheduling her classes to be the same as theirs. "It can't be that hard," she had said.

Those words would come back to bite her in the ass.

"I feel like a kitty that's been run over by a semi-truck!" Rika moaned, collapsed in her bed. "How do you two manage to not _die_ from these stupid classes?"

"Very carefully," Ashi answered from behind his Mentendo TS by the corner window.

"You get used to it," Kai said with a shrug as he stood by their tiny house's stove, preparing dinner.

Rika lifted her heavy head, and looked askance at him. "You get used to running twenty miles, swinging a heavy Keyblade in place for two hours, and dodge rolling away from _giant boulders_?"

"Hey, at least they're Styrofoam," Kai offered weakly, but then grew serious. "Say, Rika, when did you go through your Dive?"

"What do you mean?" she asked.

Ashi answered for him, "All Keyblade bearers went through this dream called 'Dive to the Heart' where you go through this sort of initiation ceremony thing where you choose between a sword, a magic staff, and a shield." He shrugged. "I don't quite get it, but I guess it's to determine what kind of Keyblade fighter you are."

"Really? I didn't have a dream like that. Is that a bad thing?" Rika asked, concerned.

"Nah, some of us have it a little after acquiring our Keyblades," Kai assured. "I'm sure you'll get it soon."

"Huh." Rika hugged her legs to her chest, and asked, "What did you guys choose?"

Ashi snapped his TS shut with a snort. "You really have to ask? I went with the sword and ol' Kai there picked the staff."

"Just go with your gut, Rika," Kai said as he sampled the night's dinner. "I think you'd make for a great mage – OW!" He rubbed the back of his head where Ashi tossed his TS at. "What was that for?"

"Quit tryin' to manipulate her into joining your fruity little magic club," Ashi said. "If you want to be _real_ Keyblade warrior, you'd pick the sword. All the badasses pick the sword – ACK!"

Kai twirled his metal ladle that he struck Ashi with. "And here I thought all the guys that chose the sword were the ones that were numbskulls whose only strategy is 'attack!'"

"That's a bad thing?"

Rika, nevertheless, smiled as she allowed her head to fall onto her pillow. It was finally starting to resemble the old days when the three of them would simply exchange snark with one another, back when the three still lived on the orphaned streets of Radiant Garden. Sure, when Kai and Ashi were chosen as Keyblade wielders, they were provided with home and board and not having to lift everything they need was a change for the better, but she felt so lonely being without them. She rolled her eyes, held up her hand, and summoned her Keyblade into it with quick flash. It was thanks to this rather silly-looking weapon that she was able to be together with her friends. She had to stop dwelling on the past. Everything was perfect now.

_What's this? A passing instance of actual _contentment_? Oh, no-no-no-no. This simply will not do!_

Rika blinked. "You guys say something?"

"Yeah, how Ashi needs to stop drinking coffee," Kai said. "It's stunting your growth." Ashi replied by putting the young mage in an arm lock.

"Huh. Must be the exhaustion…"

_The heroine longed for the companionship she once had, and received it in a manor she had not expected._

"Okay, now I know I'm hearing someone talking!"

"What's wrong, Rika?" Kai asked, worried.

_The three are happy and satisfied with their lives. They are together once more and everything resolved. But why end it there? The heroine has gained the ability to fight and protect her friends. A story simply isn't complete without conflict and drama. A plot point must not be left hanging! And so, disaster struck._

Before Rika could register what the voice she was hearing was babbling on about, a building across their house exploded. Her eyes widened and jaw dropped. "What?"

Kai and Ashi sprung into action. "Ashi, call for help! I'm going to help with the fire!" Kai shouted as they dashed out the door.

Rika was frozen where she sat as Kai summoned his Keyblade and rushed to blazing building, the words "disaster struck" echoing in her head. "But…how could…" she whispered.

Ashi shut his phone. "Come on, Rika!" he shouted, grabbing her arm, and dragged her after Kai. "We need to do something before the help arrives!"

Rika shook her head, regaining her senses, and nodded. "Right."

Kai was casting water magic from his Keyblade in an attempt to bring down the flames as the two joined him. "I've got this covered," he said. "Try and determine if there's anyone inside!"

Ashi turned to Rika. "Remember that ice magic Kai taught you?"

"Not a clue," she answered with a firm nod.

"Perfect." He rolled his eyes. Ashi held up his Keyblade and waved it in front of him. "**Scan!**" A digital image of the burning building formed as an afterimage from it. Rika watched in wonder as Ashi began pointing at different areas of the image, adjusting to make them larger. "I'm not indentifying anyone inside," he said.

"Everything's getting fuzzy," Rika commented.

"Well, duh," he said. "Scan can only pinpoint living beings that are within a certain proximity."

"Then why not enhance the images?"

"This isn't _CSI Miami_, Rika," he muttered, "There's no such thing as enhancing!" Suddenly, a little blip popped up on the image. "I've got a live one, and it's on the ground floor too!"

Another dot appeared. "Uh, make that two," Rika said.

Three more. "Um, five?" the two said, confused.

Blips continued emerging on the image, Rika having lost count, until they were all that could be seen. "Kai, get over here!" she shouted.

"Why?" he asked, lowering his water-spewing Keyblade. His answer came with the building's double doors blasting off their hinges. A shadow formed within the flames; it emerged from the blaze with the same terrible screech Rika heard earlier that day. The same kind of dinosaur Heartless had return en masse as the flock stormed out of the burning building. "Ooh," Kai intoned.

* * *

Arthur Dent fidgeted in the rather uncomfortably molded plastic seat of the waiting room/lobby for Hollow Bastion as his only friend in the universe, Ford Prefect, searched through a little electronic book-looking thing that had the words "DON'T PANIC" in large friendly letters. As he looked around and examined the bizarre steampunk-esque architecture, he felt terribly out of place; especially since he was only clad in his pajamas and a bathrobe with a towel clenched in his hands. "Ford, remind me where we are again?"

Without looking up from his little computer book thing, Ford replied, "Well, according to the _Guide_, we're currently on the planet Radiant Garden. It apparently used to go by another name several years ago, Hollow Bastion, but that was actually the name for this citadel. They restored the proper name when that Sora guy brought this world back to its original state."

"Radiant Garden…" Arthur repeated, letting the name roll around his tongue. "I don't really like it. It sounds a tad too cheery and sanguine. Hollow Bastion has a more…robust and gothic ring to it."

Ford snapped the Guide shut and slipped it back into his leather satchel hanging from his shoulder. "You finally accepting your hitchhiking role in life, Arthur?"

"No, I'm merely expressing my contempt of the situation that I'm currently in through caustic criticism," Arthur said. His view lowered to his feet, which were shuffling. "Ford, are you sure the Vogons are also going to destroy this world like they did with mine?"

"Eeyup." Ford gave a firm nod. "My Sens-O-Matic is picking up a vast fleet of Vogon constructor ships. They should be arriving in about…" He did a quick calculation in his head. "Three days. Give or take a week."

"Ah, I see." Arthur paused. "Ford, why aren't we, you know, screaming our heads off at the prospect of complete annihilation? Or, if you wish to be more productive, shouldn't we be searching for a…I don't know, a spaceship to get us off this world?"

"The _Guide_ also mentioned Radiant Garden as the political epicenter of this galaxy's united galactic federation of worlds," Ford stated matter-of-factly. "That, and they have great motel prices. As a reporter for _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ who's on the constant lookout for traveling the universe on a budget of 250 munny, it is my duty to at least inform the leaders of this planet of the coming threat against a hitchhiker's hotspot. Then we can get the hell out of Dodge." He pulled out sunglasses from his satchel and placed them on, as well as dabbing the sweat off Arthur's brow with his own towel. "Relax, Arthur. We'll be done in no time. In the meanwhile, why not chat with the locals?" He turned to his left to see a blonde man and woman sitting next to them, also waiting on the uncomfortably molded plastic seats. Strangely, the two were dressed in Scottish attire, complete with plaid kilts, hats and bagpipes in their arms. Ford must have also found it strange as he asked, "So, is this the common clothing of the world?"

"Oh no, my friend!" the man laughed. "Miria and I are merely seeking a good travel guide for this world."

The pretty young woman nodded excitedly. "That's right! Isaac and me are touring the universe!"

"Well I'll be! Fellow hitchhikers!" Ford slapped a hand to his forehead. He took a hold of Isaac's hand and shook. "The name's Ford Prefect. My friend here is Arthur."

"It is always a pleasure to meet a fellow enthusiast," Isaac said with a large grin.

"Are you cosplaying, too?" Miria asked Arthur curiously.

Arthur really needed a cup of tea right about then.

* * *

Rika already found one of those velociraptor Heartless tough enough. Having to face five at the same time was hell. She could barely keep up with their incredible speed, narrowing avoiding their razor sharp talons and teeth as she backflipped away from them. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw that Ashi and Kai weren't faring much better than her. Kai attempted to keep them at bay by casting fire magic around him as a shield, while Ashi simply matched their speedy attacks with his own quick slashes.

Seeing Ashi's swings gave her an idea. Rika grabbed the keychain of Life's Bend and began swinging her Keyblade in a figure 8 form around her. The Heartless were unable to approach her without getting a slice for their troubles. She took advantage of this momentary break by finally releasing her Keyblade and spinning it in a circle, killing the five monster around her instantly.

Rika allowed a sigh of relief as Kai finished off both his and Ashi's group by casting magnet magic, allowing Ashi to charge through them with a series of hack and slashes. She watched as the same misty silver orbs from yesterday float away from the vanquished beasts. "Man, I've never seen Heartless this tough before," Ashi said as he massaged his shoulder.

Rika frowned. "I – I don't think those were Heartless, guys."

"What do you mean?" Kai asked. "You think they're Nobodies? They usually take on a human-like appearance, but it does make sense since they're white and all…"

"No, I don't think they're Nobodies either." She shook her head.

"So…what then? Unversed? Dream Eaters?" Ashi said.

"No, I agree with her," Kai said. "They don't feel like anything we've seen before. They might be something totally new."

"Are you serious? Ugh, this is starting to sound like a bad fanfic plot," Ashi groaned, rolling his eyes.

_Itsudemo I love you kimi ni take kiss me wasurerarenai kara boku no daiji na memory dorayaki wa shushoku ni narenai naraba uwagaki shichaeba boku no omoidoori!_

Rika and Kai stared at Ashi as he held up his ringing cell phone. "Give me a break, it's catchy," he muttered, flipping it open. "Kiyomeru speaking." Ashi's eyes bugged out. "We're on our way." He placed his phone away, looking the most solemn Rika has ever seen him been.

"Whatever these things are…" he said, "…they're all over the Garden."

* * *

Deep within the nigh-infinite number of corridors of Radiant Garden's Hollow Bastion, the battle-hardened president of the world rushed through them. Finally reaching his destination, he kicked the door open. "What is this that I'm hearing about a massive Heartless attack?" President Squall Leonhart demanded.

The techno-savvy Cid Highwind briefly acknowledged him with a nod, and as quickly returned to his computers. "It's just as I told Yuffie to tell you: We're getting Heartless attack reports from all over the city!"

"Could it be that we're dealing with another Maleficent-type?" Squall asked, turning to a spare computer and began surveying the attack.

"Beat the hell out of me if I knew," Cid growled. "I've got Tron deploying Claymores to help out with the situation, but there's just too many of 'em! We haven't had numbers this large in years!"

He bit down on the same exact toothpick that he had been gnawing for the past nine years so hard that it finally snapped in two. "Dammit! This ain't gonna cut it anymore." Tossing the pieces aside, he pulled out a hammer and smashed an emergency glass box with the words BREAK GLASS IN CASE THIS AIN'T GONNA CUT IT ANYMORE on it. Sifting through the broken glass, Cid pulled out a single bent up cigarette. He lit it and inhaled deeply. "Ooooh, that's the stuff."

"Has the Keyblade Academy been informed?" Squall asked.

"They're the first to know about this kind of stuff," Cid said. "From what I hear, the entire school's been sent out to deal with 'em."

Squall bit down on his thumb. "Do you think that's enough?"

"You kiddin'? We're talking about Keyblade Masters here! Heck, Sora himself was just fifteen when he helped us out all those years ago, and now we've got a whole damn school of them."

"I suppose you're right." Squall zoomed in on a single velociraptor Heartless. He narrowed his eyes. "They're not like any Heartless I've seen before…"

An unfamiliar, English voice chimed in with, "Ah, well, that's because they're not Heartless."

Squall and Cid spun toward the door, drawing their gun-like sword and spear weapons respectively. Standing by the doorway was a thin, unassuming gentleman dressed in brown with blue pinstripes suit with a brown overcoat. He had a very relaxed-yet-manic look on his face as he tapped his chin with a strange device with a blue light on one end. Something felt very different about this man, but Squall also felt a great feeling from him. Looking into his brown eyes seemed as if he was looking into the heart of the universe itself. "Who are you?" Squall demanded, shaking himself out of his stupor.

"My ID," the man declared cheerfully, holding up a small identification card in a wallet.

For a brief moment Squall thought the card was blank, but words formed as if it were there all along and he had not realized. "Doctor John Smith?" he read.

"A-yup," he said, and put his card away. "You can just call me the Doctor. Everyone does." He looked away and pondered briefly. "Not entirely sure why." He turned back to the two baffled men and smiled widely. "I'm here to help!"

"All right…Doctor," Squall said slowly. "What do you mean they're not Heartless?"

"What do you mean what I do I mean? They're not Heartless. It's not that complicated a statement, is it?" The Doctor brushed past Squall and began pointing his device at the computers, a light hum coming from it.

"So they're Nobodies then?" Cid asked.

"Nope!" the Doctor said. "You know what I have always found odd? Why exactly are Heartless and Nobodies named what they are? They are the complete opposites of each other, after all. Heartless are created from the hearts of those that lost them to darkness, while the Nobodies are the bodies left behind afterward. Quite a big misnomer, ain't it? Well, it could just be artistic license, I suppose. Rule of irony and symbolism and all that creative writing jazz. Jelly baby, anyone?" he asked, holding up a bag of said jelly candy and barely catching a single breath with his monologue.

Squall and Cid exchanged quizzically look before turning back to the Doctor. "Okay, Mr. Smarty-British guy," Cid said. "So what are those prehistoric beasties then?"

The Doctor grew solemn, turning to one monitor displaying one of the creatures attacking the denizens of Radiant Garden with savage ferocity. "Something that shouldn't exist."

**End of Chapter 3**

Massive and deepest apologies for the late update. College life truly was hounding me, and I had taken up a job writing reviews for a website called leetNEET. Speaking of which, please check out our site for the latest nerd news and reviews!

Lots of characters introduced this chapter. Let's list them off again as usual, hmm?

Edward and Alphonse Elric are from _Fullmetal Alchemist_.

Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect are from _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_, natch.

Isaac and Miria are from _Baccano!_ (Yes, including exclamation mark).

Squall Leonhart and Cid Highwind both originated from _Final Fantasy_ games (VIII and VII, respectively), but both also appear in _Kingdom Hearts_.

The Doctor needs no introduction, but for the ignorant, he is from _Doctor Who_. Specifically, this is the Tenth Doctor, but I'm planning on incorporating many traits of other Doctors into him – as you might have realized from that Jelly Baby comment.

Feels good to finally be writing again! Oh, and "Fukkireta" is the name of the Japanese meme song that is Ashi's ringtone in case you're curious.


End file.
